I couldn't think of a better title. I know responsibility is one of those cliched terms that has become almost meaningless, but i'm going to use it since it seems to fit what i'm about to say.
I've grown dissatisfied with Deerfield for a few reasons, some of which I can't quite place my finger on, some which are obvious as sunlight.
Firstly, I'm thinking about quitting as a tour guide, for a few reasons. I came to DA hoping that it would be a place of learning, community, enlightenment, fellowship. I knew it wouldn't be all that, but hey, i'm allowed to hope, aren't I?
Anyways, it is a place of learning and community, but I feel that all isn't as it seems. When parents send their children here, they send them with hope, dreams, optimism, with whatever their aspirations for life are, but when they come, I really don't know if DA is the greatest place to foster these precious gifts.
I came with optimism, a smile on my face, and a willingness to learn, but in the year and a midterm that I've been here, I've felt as if I've lost this, this optimism, this smile, and this enthusiasm.
If I lost these things here, Why should I sentence others to this same fate? Many people have noticed a negative turn in my demeanor since I've been at DA, unfortunately, I'd have to agree with this assessment. I just don't believe myself to be the same person that I was a year and term ago. I realize that the world isn't all sunshine, rainbows, and smiley faces, but I don't believe that you have to trade optimism and a constant smile for a good high school education.
I just don't know if I could go to bed at the end of the day knowing that I might have affected someone's choice, pushing them towards making the same choice that I did.
Whose fault is it? It's no one's fault really, I don't blame my tour guide, I don't blame my second visit day person, I don't blame any of my teachers, friends, or parents, and I don't blame myself. I think it's just a function of the culture that we are forced to live in, a culture that I don't especially take pleasure in. A culture of hookups and drugs, of negativity and seemingly unimportant feelings. A culture in which someone has to do things that they are not proud of in order to be "Cool". I don't feel like the gears of my personality, whats left of it at least, mesh with the culture that unfortunately surrounds me.
Why is our world so negative? Why must we (and I) live in a world that destroys innocence and replaces it with the "Necessities" that you need in your adult life? If boarding school is like life, I might as well just fall asleep and not wake up. I do not want to live my life just waiting for the day to end for me to be free from life's worries. I dream that we might one day we might wake up, and just have a nice day, without destroying someone's happiness, but unfortunately, that's not the way the world works. In order to change the way we affect others, we must first change the way we are.
One example of a story that particularly disgusted me was the story of an older boy attempting to give a younger, newer student drugs, it made me ashamed of DA, ashamed of the fact that I am at an institution that lets things like this happen, ignores the wrongdoings for the simple reason of money, or because it would be inconvenient, or because it would stir the water. Nothing ever has been, and nothing ever will be accomplished by people who refused to act.
And here, will likely end my service to the admissions office as a tour guide, and if it doesn't, I shall never say "I love Deerfield" on a tour again.
